Pedestrian Etiquette

I get it- you’re completely distracted. It’s clearly your first trip to the city and you’re totally floored by the buildings, singing bums, and the occasional crack head. The city can be overwhelming at times but this does not excuse you from something us city-living car owners like to call “pedestrian etiquette”.

Let me break this down for you. When a fifteen hundred pound jeep is hurling itself at you in the center of town do not, I repeat, do not take this as an invitation to meander across the street. This is not running of the bulls people. Don’t taunt me…I’ll speed up!

It’s not a game to us drivers who freakishly slam on our breaks, while whole college tuitions are flushed down the toilet in order to make sure the nurse cleans out your bed pan on a regular basis.

Now that you know the basics of crossing the street (shame on your mother), let me entertain you with my list of categorized offenders who next time I will aim to kill.

#1. The Creeper

This pedestrian is a frequent flier. You can catch him crouching behind any large suburban parked dangerously close to crosswalks. Look, I know I am to stop at the cross walks (legally) but not when you’re trying to barrel roll into the intersection completely out of left field. I cannot see you hiding there and if you value the duty your legs serve you, you’ll be more careful next time won’t you?

In order to correct your stupidity next time try this; stand up straight and make it clear to me that you wish to cross. Don’t dilly dattle over there in the crosswalk. This isn’t the song “Should I Stay or Should I Go”. If you make any indication that you wish to cross I will stop…but I will only stop once.

#2. The Eagle

This person thinks they’re Iron Man. Usually intoxicated, this offender does not fear death and perhaps wishes for it because then they would get some much needed attention. This person could be a rollerblader, a skateboarder, or a girl who just slapped on her first pair of stilts, either way its not a great idea to trot out to the middle of my intersection because “YoU gOt ThInGs Ta Do”.

Cleary we don’t think you’re as important as you do and frankly, one less of you on the street would be blessing.

#3. The “Fuck You I’m Walkin’ Here!”

You know what? Fuck you too. You totally take the cake for being the most aggravating human yet. You’re worse than The Eagle because not only are you stupid, but you’re rude too…and ugly.

This person not only will swoop in front of your car to prove a point, but they will sometimes do a shitty little dance in front of your car like they just made a touchdown or something. I am tired of your behavior. This is completely unacceptable and you’re the reason why I am having knives installed on the hood of my car tomorrow.

That was both a creeper and an eagle all in one. Just horrible…

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