False Hope Delivered by the UPS Man

Dear Mr. UPS man,

If you’re going to ring my apartment at 9 a.m., make sure you have a package for me. I understand you’re awfully busy this holiday season but by no means is it fair that you get to arbitrarily push my apartment number, get let in, and then not deliver the goods.

Do you realize that not only did I get out of bed to let you (and everyone elses presents) into the building, but that I also put on socks AND shoes to come downstairs to claim my prize? No, you didn’t because you were already gone by the time I got down there. Instead, in its place was some girl named “Jennifers” packages. What a bitch.

I am pissed. I don’t like running around my apartment building with no bra on for no reason. I was so overjoyed with the idea of fresh presents that I literally rolled out of the comfort of my bed, got on my freaky Borat-esque elevator, and went downstairs LIKE A TOTAL MORON.

If you ever get me excited for presents that don’t exist ever again I will hunt you down. I will get you and I will hurt you…I will humiliate you for wearing brown short shorts. I will hide in the bushes outside of my apartment building and cut your brake lines while you deliver “Jennifers” packages.


Pissed off, presentless, tenant in Allston


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: